Singapore Jail Time
Overview
The joke goes that Singapore is a fine city-meaning you'll have to part with $500 if caught eating on public transport, $1000 for littering, and even $2000 for engaging in public speaking without a permit. But there's more to this tiny island than just outrageous rules and regulations-only 26 miles long and 14 miles wide, it's packed to the gills with a multi-cultural population of 4 million and boasts a skyline studded with shiny high-rise skyscrapers. In short, it looks a little like Manhattan, but clean. A zero-tolerance government means pristine streets, efficient public transport, tons of green spaces, a wealth of culture, and little need to worry over safety or security. You can call it Asia for Beginners, if you like.
What's it known for?
Stringent laws, cleanliness and tidiness, a brush with SARS back in 2003, being a stopover on the way to Australia, caning as punishment (yup, still), relentless sweltering humidity, a colonial past (it only became a fully independent republic in 1965), and-perhaps most famously of all-completely banning the purchase and possession of chewing gum. (The rules changed a little in May 2004-it's now legal to buy chewing gum as long as you only get it from a pharmacy, with the intent of using it for "medicinal purposes." Whatever that means.)
Parts of Town
The main artery is Orchard Road, which is dotted with consumer temples to bourgeoisie-come on, you didn't come all the way to Asia to look in the windows of Prada and The Body Shop, did you? Little India and Arab Street are colorful places to wander through mosques and markets, Holland Village is packed full of expats and caters toward their creature comforts, the CBD is pretty much as you'd expect-hello, bankers!-but boasts proximity to the Singapore River and all the touristy things your mother wants you to take pictures of, and the East Coast is nice for a stroll along the waterfront. Laughing at people riding those dorky tandem bikes is optional. But recommended.
Languages Spoken
75% of the population is Chinese, 15% Malay, 8% Indian, and a tiny 2% are Western; nevertheless, the overriding language is English, though listen out for Mandarin, Malay, and a variety of Indian dialects. Oh, and there's also Singlish, a sing-song colloquial vernacular that the Singapore government is rather snobbishly trying to outlaw through their Speak Good English Movement (SGEM), but which is nevertheless still embraced by every taxi driver and shop owner you'll encounter. It takes a bit of getting used to, but be prepared to hear verbs butchered, definite articles omitted, and the word "lah" added on to the end of every sentence.
Most Commonly Used Phrases
"Can, lah!" ("yes, it can be done") and "Cannot, lah!" ("nope, afraid you can't do that.")
Getting Here & Around
Like your old girlfriend, the ultra-modern Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) subway system is cheap, easy, and always available. You can even pick it up at the airport and zoom straight into the city. And don't bother with the bus-even you can afford to take the omnipresent taxis here, big spender, and you might even luck out and get one of the sleek white Mercedes, which cost exactly the same (read: not much) as the ordinary cabs.
Bars & Clubs
Down by the riverfront, bustling Clarke Quay and Boat Quay are the places to raise a glass-Café Iguana, Attica, Brewerkz, and Sahara are all good choices, though really it's hard to go wrong on either of the quays, what with the waterfront views and the crush of beautiful people. Embarrassingly, there's even a Hooters.
Be warned that drinking is almost prohibitively expensive in Singapore-a pint of beer can set you back the equivalent of S$12, close to eight American bucks, though most places host Ladies Nights on Wednesdays, which can work out to a pretty good deal if you're of the fairer sex. If you feel like throwing down on the dance floor, Singapore has its own Ministry of Sound, as well as packed mainstays Zouk and Gotham. Just don't throw up on the dance floor if you can help it. There's probably a law against that.
Taking a Lover
For a city as squeaky clean as Singapore, there sure is some dirty stuff going down in Orchard Towers, an indoor red-light district known as "the four floors of whores." During the day, it's like any other shopping mall on Orchard Road, but when the sun goes down, it won't be a cut-price iPod or a tailored suit you'll be buying, if you catch my drift. While prostitution is legal (the girls have mandatory medical check-ups every month), solicitation is not-so you'll have to be the one making the overtures. A final caution? Watch out for the ladyboys-unless you're into that sort of thing, of course.
Gay Play
My (straight) brother once unknowingly joined the branch of California Fitness with the biggest reputation as a gay hunting ground in town (it's the Orchard Road one, by the way) and spent the next few months wondering why everyone was staring at him in the showers. If you're looking for a scene that's a little more overt, head over to Chinatown, which is packed full of gay and lesbian venues, among them the popular Backstage Bar, Tantric, and Taboo. FYI, homosexuality is officially illegal in Singapore, although you're unlikely to encounter any major problems.
Food
High standards of cleanliness mean food poisoning from street food is rare, so wander into one of the many local hawker centers around the city-Newton Circus is probably the best-and sample a buffet of Chinese, Indian, and Malay food, washed down with the ubiquitous sour lime juice or a couple of beers (take advantage: this is the cheapest you'll find it.) For on-the-fly snacking, there are plenty of ridiculously cheap branches of carb-centric staple Bread Talk around, as well as the usual overpriced coffee chain culprits. Little India boasts a whole district of top-notch curry houses-pick one depending on whether you want to eat with your hands or a knife and fork. If you're trying to impress someone, choose Chijmes, a restored chapel which now houses a collection of ritzy restaurants and bars. You'd better hope they've raised the credit limit on your card recently.
Getting Medicated
Two words: Don't bother. If you're caught-and the Singapore authorities are so scrupulous that you probably will be-potential punishments include immediate deportation, imprisonment, caning, and (the frighteningly popular) death by hanging. Come on, even if you're here for two weeks, you can hold out. It's just not worth it otherwise.
Lodging
When someone else is paying, the only place to stay is the swanky Raffles Hotel, opened in 1887 and named after Singapore's British founder, Sir Stamford Raffles. (Even if you can't afford to play the colonist long-term, make sure you go there one evening for a drink in the Long Bar. Hell, go the whole way and order a Singapore Sling.) If, however, you'd rather spend your money on something other than a place to rest your head, both the YMCA on Orchard Road (handy location) and the YWCA Fort Canning Lodge are perfectly acceptable-yes, you'll only get a bed in a dorm room, but it'll be a dorm room with AC.
Outdoor Activities
The roads are mostly flat and smooth with clearly-marked bike lanes-perfect for running and cycling, providing you don't mind battling the stifling humidity. Wakeboarding seems to have taken off in a big way, but if you don't have the bucks to pay for a speedboat, Ski360 on the East Coast offers cable wakeboarding on their man-made lake. It might be cheating, but who cares?
Day Tripper
Take a cable car across the water to Sentosa, a kitschy man-made island boasting miles of sunbathers lying out on artificial beaches. For dirt cheap pirated DVDs, CDs, and computer software, cross the causeway into Malaysia where seedy border town Johor Bahru awaits, its shopping mall basements full of counterfeit loot. The Singapore customs officials are coming down hard on smugglers, though-which is what you'll be if you're caught-so make sure you hide your wares properly on your way back in. A bag with large, deep pockets might be a good idea.
About the Writer
Holly Burns is a Singapore-based freelance writer who updates when she remembers at nothingbutbonfires.com.