Whoring and Scoring in Montreal
Overview: Montreal, Canada's party town, is the world's second largest French speaking city. An island in the middle of the Saint Lawrence River, it's an hour's drive north of the Vermont/New York Border and five hours east of Toronto.
While Toronto is Canada's business center, Montreal exists for pure pleasure. You can get anything here - read tolerance and lax drug laws. And it's all cheap: sex, booze, drugs, great music, culture, food, accommodations everything except tobacco. Bring lots - it's popular - you can trade your cheap camel lights for other goodies.
Prices reflect the nervous but recovering economy. Every time The Province of Quebec threatens to leave The Rest of Canada over historical language/cultural indignities, investors get nervous and the money heads to Toronto. Less than a percentage point divided the should we stay or should we go sides on the last vote. Get here before the army does-again.
What does all this numb nuttery mean for visitors? Nada. Almost everyone speaks the unofficial language with a cute 'n sexy accent. If you can't say, "Une biere s'il vous plait," order in English. In the rare event you're treated to a cold stare say, "Sorry, I don't speak French. I'm from 1. New York 2. Boston 3. Chicago 4. any large, recognizable US city." Under no circumstances do you want to be mistaken for Toronto pond scum.
Getting here: If you hate planes there's a cheap and scenic train service from New York's Penn station -7 hours if no one arouses the border guard's suspicions. Trailways/Greyhound has daily buses from major points but you can get cheaper tickets through the Chinese bus companies.
Getting around: Everything you want is centrally located on the Plateau, Latin Quartier, Gay Village or Downtown. Everyone walks or takes the metro.
Commonly heard:
1. " 'ashish", stage whispered along Ste. Catharine and St Laurent streets
2. tabernac - sometimes softened to tabernouche - good example of French Canadian curses employing Catholic icons.
Famous for: William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Celine Dion, Corey Hart, Arcade Fire, A Simple Plan, Godspeed You, Black Emperor, cheap rent, sex clubs catering to all tastes, bands that will be playing Toronto and NYC next week, setting of C.R.A.Z.Y, best movie use of classic and glam rock that can't be seen south of the border unless someone pays David Bowie and Mick Jagger for US music rights.
Music scene: Forget Flock of Seagulls mutants Arcade Fire or poppy teen girl fav Simple Plan whose lead singer sounds like Randy Travis on helium. Check out the seriously fucked up sounds of Launie Anderssohn rapping on barnyard sex at Barfly on St. Laurent [San LOR on]. Only one record store will carry their stuff, but they've got gigs coming up in major cities.
Further north at La Sala Rossa catch the likes of Klaxon Gueule, Foodsoon whose performances might start out like Edgar Winter group and move into an industrial/lounge /rock /bluegrass fusion that frightens the band and never sounds the same twice.
Across the street, Casa Del Popolo's offerings vary widely. The worst you'll get is playwrights doing spoken word or one girl on guitar who can't sing. Popular with the neo hippie set.
For artier stuff, try and find Friendship Cove-used to be Electric Tracter-home of Chewy, the senile half husky who'd defecate on stage.
Of the 260 local bands, try Kiss me Deadly and Nitrosonique (drummer Marc-Andre Grondin of C.R.A.Z.Y. movie fame). M.O.T.O., Brutal Knights, The Confusers, The Nymphets, Les Thanatologues, Les Truands, Shoot the Moon, Kickers, Lady, Glamourous Maggots, Fred Co et les S.T.F, 10 n=1 and Bozquo.
Experimental metal bands worth the time include Khanate, Isis, Neurosis and Pelican.
Other Venues: At many places, if it's before 11 and you haven't got the $3-$12 cover, hang around until the door person invites you in. Failing this, try standing at the bar.
On St Laurent: Le Divan Orange, Swimming, El Salon, lounge 11 and Green Room.
A few blocks east on St. Denis [San Den EE] check out L'Hémisphère Gauche, l'Escogriffe, Quai Des Brumes, Bistro à Jojo, Medley (metal) and Cafe Chaos (punk). Don't miss Fou Founes Electriques on Ste Catharine east.
After hours: Sona, Stereo, Aria and the Jacques Cartier pub.
Drinking: Happy hour goes all day until 8-or 9 when beer and shots can be had for $2. If you don't see a sign, ask. Quebec laws prohibit certain establishments from advertising specials.
For an extra kick try local strong beers: Fin du Monde or Maudit.
Best Bars: All of the above and any cramped, smoke filled space with old wooden floors, tin ceilings and a variety of ages: L'assommier, Missy Bar, Baloos, Bar Cherrier and Bar Ste. Elizabeth, kitty corner to the must see for trashy cowboy karaoke, Bar Sherbrooke on Ste Catharine East - fights happen before 6.
If you're in the village, watch out for Mado who will pull you in from the street for her legendary cabaret drag act.
Whoring and Scoring: For all your needs, talk to the blond girl at Weedstock, the head shop across from Cafe Chaos on St. Denis. She's bored. She loves answering your questions. If she's not around, talk to the guy with the long gray hair, pot cafe owner gone bust . See if you can find out where and when he's opening next. Visit the cafe below at midnight when the hookahs come out.
Bars, especially on the French side of town, roughly St Laurent and points east are designed for human interaction. The asshole factor is lower in this population too. If it's women you're after, avoid winter when Montreal women hibernate.
Before you blow a wad on drinks at the English pick up places on Crescent, be advised that the ubiquitous full contact (and more) lap dances are only 10 bucks Canadian. Same price as non contact. Remember,. Montreal's the fun city-not the business one.
For gay action of the leather and beard variety try Stud bar. For mixed and twink head to L'Aigle Noir-home of the biggest penis/nicest butt contests. Parking offers good cruising and dancing on weekends. For strip/lap dancing try Campus (masculine/muscular), Stock (boy next door), Adonis ("dancers" off the street) and Taboo where old guys take the young'uns home for a price.
Medications: Wait outside the Berri metro station until approached or ask any of the guys who appear be doing nothing else. In summer, head to nearby Berri Park and hang with the peaceful people laying around with needles in their arms. Square St. Louis off St Denis is worth a stroll. Most bar owners have connections - ask. Requires a little faith. We gave a guy a 20 at Fou Founes and it was two hours before we saw him again-with the goods.
Weirdest scene: Old men, bearing white crosses denouncing Catholic church sexual abuses parading in front of a prime tourist locale, Notre Dame Basilica, site of Celine Dion's wedding and hockey great, Rocket Richard's funeral.
Avoid: The underground city - a confusing 20 mile array of shopping mall tunnels taking you places you don't wanna go-office buildings, high end hotels, sterile coffee shops and moms' clothing stores. 2. Commuter cycling
Healthy fun: Join a drumming session on Mount Royal, cycle the Lachine Canal or buy a mini digital radio at a dollar store and listen to CISM 98.3 while lounging on Ile Ste Helene's artificial beach.
For the Parisian experience, take to the cobblestoned streets of Old Montreal. Must love tourists.
Art: Musee des Art Contemporain and the Musee des Beaux Arts.
Festivals/events: International art, comedy, film, dance, electronica festivals to bug tasting to underground races. The biggie, The International Jazz Festival has moved beyond jazz for white guys over 40 to encompass all genres.
Food: For soaking up alcohol and satisfying pot induced cravings, nothing compares to Quebec junk food.
Start with poutine, a highly addictive mess of french fries, chicken gravy/sauce topped with melting cheese curds. Comes with smoked meat, ground beef, pineapple or chicken toppings. At Au Pied de Cochon on Mont Royal you can get poutine fois gras.
For dessert OD on sugar pie or pudding chomeur- soggy sponge cake loaded with caramel sauce.
Just off Victoria Square, Clafouti's is good for cheap lunches. Ditto St. Viateur Bagel Cafe's pesto & goat cheese bagels.
Smoked meat sandwiches with coleslaw and black cherry coke are best at Schwartz's on St Laurent - just make sure you have your cash ready when you get to the register.
Look for "Apportez Votre Vin" (bring your own wine) signs at Plateau restaurants along Prince Arthur and Duluth. Bonus: includes beer. Try the Mex - Brazilian favorite, Lele de Cuca on Anne Marie just east of St. Laurent or the Vietnamese TA Do at 300 Duluth.
Eat anything, you're in French territory. It's impossible to get bad food at any price.
Hostels: Sunset Montreal (plateau), Auberge Alternative (Old Montreal) HI (downtown) and others
Got money? minihoteldespins.com: singles $30-40 -call- they don't answer e-mail, Espace Comfort - next door to weedstock
L'hotel Abri Voyageur-right next to the crack ho Bolero Hotel at Ste Catherine and St Laurent in lap dance land lebreton.ca (summer) tourisme-montreal.org under last minute deals More money and two people? Boneparte Inn with full French breakfast (old Montreal)