Citizen Wheel Travel for the Anti-Tourist

Watamu Maybe has Al Queda

Overview: So you want to check out East Africa, but stay clear of the Big Five- elephant, buffalo, rhinoceros, lion, and leopard? Then head to Kenya's North Coast and visit Watamu, a traditional fishing village tucked in the pocket just south of Malindi and a couple hours north from Mombasa.

The village's best features are the swaying palm trees and the white sand beach at Watamu Bay. Coral islets dot the coast and dhows (traditional sail boats) bob up and down in the rolling waters. The muffled roar of waves breaking on the reef and the pleasantly warm surf has a seductive quality. After a couple of days, it's easy to adapt to life as a castaway.

Watamu proper consists of cinder block buildings packed tightly together and topped with corrugated metal or makuti(dried palm fronds) style roofs. With exception to the main road, the streets are sandy with big pot holes overflowing with stagnant water. There are stores, curio shops, video shows, and beauty salons. In the early-early morning, the village mosques erupt with the Salat(Muslim call to prayer).

Electrical power is intermittent.

The Locals: Historically, Swahili people inhabit Watamu. The women wear kangas(brightly colored cloths), bui-buis(black Muslim gown), maski (slit-eyed face covering) and golden earrings, chains, rings, and nose piercing. The men wear the kanzu(big white shirt), kofi(traditional Muslim hat) and carry a cane. Because of the seasonal influx of tourists, the village attracts a cross section of Kenya's other ethnic groups too, including Samburu warriors from the north. They all survive off of tourism, bargain hard and give no quarter!

Everyone knows everyone in Watamu. By the end of the day, everyone will know you too. 

Warnings: There are crooks, police, and maybe even al Queda.

What is the city known for: Nothing, really, its just there on the coast next to the National Marine Park. However, in the early 1990's some European fat-cats started putting up big money joints. Even though it's become a destination for package tourists, the village is still cool.

Most commonly used phrase: Strolling through Watamu, locals will approach and ask, "can I show you my shop?" or "I want to make with you some small business." This will happen everyday, no matter how long you've been there. Proper response can be, "Asante, lakini baadaye" meaning thank you, but maybe later. For something more direct try, "Kesho kutwa, Bwana", the day after tomorrow, mister.

Best time to go: Low season(April-May and Nov-Dec). The Dollar has a greater command, there are fewer European numbskulls, and the local girls are in distress.

Language: English is widely spoken, along with Italian and some German, but the real lingua franca is Swahili. Learn a few words. Something like, "Rafiki yangu (my friend), how can you cheat me so bad?" or "Shillingi ngapi" how many Schillings? These key phrases can give you the edge when bargaining in the village.

Ditch "Hujambo" (hello), its too touristy. Use "Sasa" or "Mambo" when greeting locals. "Kwaheri" means goodbye. Other important words and phrases include: 
Bia-Beer
Bangi- Herb
Chakula- Food
Kuma- Pussy
Matako- Booty
Matiti- Isnt it blatantly obvious?
Pesa- Money
Ghali sana- too expensive
Nataka Tusker baridi, tafadhali- I'd like a cold Tusker, please.
Nakupenda wewe- I love you (you'll hear this in the discos)
Can I tombo-tombo you, baby? - Use your imagination. Get it?
Pole pole(po-lay) mama- slowly, honey
Hakuna Matata- no worries

Boozing: In the late afternoon, start knocking back beers at Ujamaa's. A local watering hole where you can chat it up with locals and take in the day's events. The big party starts after ten at either one of Watamu's two clubs. Happy Night Disco has the tendency to close down and then reopen under new Italian management. It's right across from Roaster's. Just up the road, Come Back Club provides the nocturnal pulse. The night is always young on North Coast and anything can happen in Watamu.

Tusker and Pilsner are the top beers. Guiness Kubwa(big) is for show and hooligans, errrrrr-aaaaahhh, I mean British soldiers on R/R. Smirnoff is for the ladies and White Cap is pure sewer water.

Expect to pay Ksh 70-100 for a beer. Act like a newbie and the bar tenders at Come Back will try to soak you.

Taking a Lover: Chics come in three styles, young and tender, tender with seasoning, and severely weathered. You know whom to avoid. Every night during high season, congregations form up at the discos. Kikuyu girls are orally motivated. Sexually, there's a lot of talk about Kamba girls being untamable, but with the proper attitude and techniques, this myth can be busted straightaway. Tall, dark and curvy, Luo girls are beautiful, but the trade off can be copious amounts of anti-matter packed between the ears. Giriama girls have a firm grip on the massage parlors.

Loud Italian dudes pay big bucks to hook up with these girls. If you're American, and play your cards right, you'll be hitting it all night for free.

Food: Mornings start with chai (tea), freshly cut fruits or mundazi (local donuts). Being a fishing village, samaki (fish) is always available, but when in Kenya nyama choma(cooked meat), ugali(boiled corn meal), and sukuma wiki(bitter greens) washed down with vast quantities of Tusker is the only way to go. Mama Lucy's supermarket keeps the basic stores and you can buy fruits and vegetables at small stalls called dukas, but more importantly, mosquito coils and matches. Good cheap food can be found at Roaster's Cafe or Atlas Restaurant for Ksh 100-300. Try pilau(seasoned rice with meat) or maharagwe(red beans) and chapati(bread wraps). To feel the heat, order up a plate of chicken biriani, a spicy Swahili dish.

In the late afternoon, hefty Mama's make tasty fried potatoes and after dark, the roadside grills fire up. Samozas(triangular meat pies) and chicken and beef kebabs will carry you through the night. 

Activities: You're at the beach. So, all water sports are a go, especially diving the reef and deep-sea fishing. An early morning stroll while the sun's golden rays break across the Indian Ocean can be spiritual. Nearby are the Gedi ruins, a Swahili city-state abandoned centuries ago. Rumor has it Sir Richard Burton translated Sinbad's diary to reveal fond memories of bong hits and cheap whores. Sections of the site have been cleaned up and you can easily spend a few hours exploring, but stay on the path. A lot of ruins are still overgrown, including deep wells. Ending up at the bottom of a 50-foot pit with two broken legs will surely dampen your holiday.

Do you want to go crazy? Charter a dhow, hoist the Jolly Roger and then set sail for Somalia.

Lodging: There are a handful of places in the village between Ksh 500-2,000. Bargain with the manager at Marijani Holiday Resort. The rooms are kept and it's right up from the beach. Ascot Residence Hotel is on the pricier side, but has a pool and good pizza. You can also ask around for places like Villa Bahiti(Lucky House), reasonably priced apartments with a dining room, kitchenette, bedroom and shower. You pay by the week.

If you're really hard up, hire Mzee(an old man) as your watchman for two Reds (Ksh 200) and sleep under a beached dhow.

Getting Medicated: Beach boys like to hustle bangi. It's your call, but take care, sometimes they collude with the local authorities. Better to befriend someone wherever you stay and work through him or her. There's also brown sugar (not that kind, dummy. HEROIN!), but locals can be put off by it. Avoid "Harrison", the police are on to his game and he had to bug out to Tanzania for a while.

For malaria injections or treating that burning sensation below the belt, see the Daktari across from Marijani Guest House.

Weirdest Scene: A peculiar gene circulates amongst the Swahili population in Watamu. You'll see women with streaks of blond hair and men with red beards.

Periodically, a grubby European dropout called Tom Mzungu washes up. He has some interesting stories, like going to racecar school, driving a bus in Zurich, or skipping Switzerland on drug charges, but the real oddity is his habit of going barefoot, everywhere.

Transportation: Around the village, it's by ankle transit. Around Kenya, it's by matatu, another name for the 3rd world's public transport wagon, the mini-bus. In the good old days, they were poorly maintained, grossly overloaded, and piloted by glossy eyed Khat chewing drivers that foamed at the mouth. On the upside, you could always get a ride no matter where you were in Kenya. Now they are regulated, carrying a limited number of passengers and mandatory seatbelts. Snag the spot next to the side door and you can still watch touts (matatu conductor) bribe police at roadblocks. Keep your eye on the tightly rolled currency. Voila, it's gone!

Getting There: British Airways, SN Brussels, and KLM service Nairobi, Kenya's capital. Hop the overnight train out to Mombasa and then grab the Malindi Express up to Gedi Junction. You wont wait long for the next matatu to Watamu. Are you in a hurry? Take a domestic flight to Malindi airport and then get raped by the taxi drivers.

General Information:
watamu.net - For information on the village, activities, and nearby attractions.
discoverwatamu.com - For general information on Kenya as well as a basic overview of both north and south coast.
magicalkenya.com - Get the dope before you go!
nationalmedia.com