Albuquerque – Ranchero Music and Non-Stop Gunfire
Overview - Albuquerque, the largest city in New Mexico, sprawls out from the University and downtown area in all directions. Albuquerque's soundtrack is ranchero music and non-stop gunfire. If you are looking for Native American petroglyphs, arrowheads, and reservations with tax-free cigarettes, or just the best carne adovada you'll ever eat, Albuquerque has it all. And if that's not enough for you, we have a hollow mountain that house aliens and government secrets.
Commonly used phrases - 'A La Verga,' which, in Spanish, literally means the main mast of a ship, but really means, 'my dick.' 'Tranquilo,' which usually means you're too uptight. New Mexico is known as the land of mañana, tomorrow, where procrastination is mandatory.
Where to get Tattoos - Stay Gold Tattoo (123 Yale SE, just south of Central) can pierce your eyelid and tattoo your forehead, or vice versa. It's located off central in Albuquerque, New Mexico and is owned by the infamous graffiti artist Mike Giant. Nearsighted and color-blind, Giant switched from paint to ink several years ago, but he still does commissioned graffiti murals. One of his tattoo designs was the cover for the tattoo issue of the art magazine Juztapoz and soon he'll have a one-man show at the erotic museum in Hollywood, California.
Getting Medicated - You can buy good-but-overpriced weed from a hippie with a trust fund at the University. If you go east of the University, you'll graduate to hard drugs and cheap hookers. [This is also your one-stop shop area to donate plasma, find a hostel or homeless shelter, buy cut-rate medical supplies, or go to a methadone clinic.]
Hustling for Cash - Sell your vital fluids at the Yale Plasma Center at 122 Yale Boulevard, just south of the university. You'll get free cookies and juice to keep from passing out, and you can use the cash you earn with your plasma to buy cheep weed just outside the door of the clinic.
Another way to make a few bucks is to model nude at the Harwood Art Center (1114 Seventh Street NW, just north of Central). It's a non-invasive way to pimp your ass and it pays well.
Music Scene - You can hear Bernadett Seacrest at Gulp, a local watering hole. An ex-junky, Seacrest has full-sleeve prison tattoos, a fresh, innocent face, a sailor's mouth, and sings 1920's jazz with a voice would make Ella Fitzgerald climax. She's a sought after commodity these days, so check her schedule at bernadetteseacrest.com.
The Spring or Fall Crawl (August 24th and April 23rd, respectively) are the best times of year to go for music. Bands from all over the country cram into VW busses and drive to Albuquerque to make a measly few bucks at these events.
For live punk-rock year-round go to the Launchpad on Central between 6th and 7th streets. For kicks you can get a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon cracked open for you for the low-low price of 75 cents. Hip-hop, Ska and Alternative bands play at the Sunshine Theater, just up the street at 1st and Central.
Food - Food is a serious issue here. Honestly, Albuquerque has the best food you'll find anywhere, but you have to know where to look, and you have to eat flaming hot chilies. Get juevos rancheros with red chili at Duran's Pharmacy on Central past 14th Street (1815 Central NW). Duran's is an old-style pharmacy that sells a lot of crap you won't want to buy. But you do want to buy the juevos rancheros.
Bar/Club Scene - The best place to go is Downtown, between 1st and 7th streets. There you can go to meat-market bars, play pool, eat sushi and do saki-bombers, or meet a homeless guy dressed as Mickey-Mouse.
Activities - ABQ is hot in the summer, cool in the winter, and has amazing mountains nearby. If you need some history, try the Taos burial grounds.
Taking a Lover - If you're sick of riding solo, you can't beat the meat market at Malhone's Tavern. Guys, your competition tells a dozen jokes succession to any available woman, then tells the girl she's hot. I don't know if it works or not, but a lot of guys do it. Girls, try having a pulse. It's not strictly necessary, however. The best way to strike up a conversation is to to ask someone to see their tattoo, piercing, or gun.
Exceptional Bars - Burt's Tiki Lounge on Gold (just south of Central) and 3rd Street. It's the only surfer bar in the desert for miles around. If you are lucky, you might even see 'the Bible of the Devil,' and 'Satan's Postal Workers.'
You'll probably be staying in the downtown area, but it is worth it to take a cab to the Il Vicino Brewery. If the cab driver doesn't know, tell him or her to Commanche east from the freeway, then north on Vassar to 4000 Vassar NE. You'll see the mural on brown plaster there. Get a Slow Down Brown or an IPA if you're hip to hoppy beer.
Transportation - You can get a local bus schedule at the long-distance bus station in downtown Albuquerque on Central and 1st. Some parts of the city can be dangerous, so it's wise to call a cab after 11pm.
Where to Stay - The Route 66 Hostel is on 11th and Central (1012 Central SW). It's 15 bucks for shared bunks and you'll be right where you want to be. If you want to be near crack and crack hos, you can get a room at the Lamplighter on Central and the freeway for ten bucks more.
Websites
The Alibi - Fall Crawl
The Hardwood Art Center
Route 66 Hostel
The Launchpad
The Sunshine Theater
T-Shirt Hell