Claws Out Debauchery in Dever
Famous for: Altitude and an omelet.
Overview: Denver is, for my money, the most livable city in the U.S. It's an affordable, good lookin' town where virtually EVERYONE drinks as much as I do. I had been through Denver a few times on tour and each visit was an exercise in fifth-gear, claws out debauchery and vileness. This is the environment which I've decided to live in full time, and whether you're staying or visiting, Denver out ranks supposedly hipper cities in every catagory.
If anything, what you probably already know about Denver is that it is a mile above sea level. The city of Denver has developed a system by which you are reminded of this fact hundreds of times a day. "Come on down to Mile High Mattress where the bargains are lightheaded from altitude!" "Have the Mile High Burger with Fries stacked as high as our way-the-fuck-up-there city! "Get a free 5,280 foot tall shampoo with purchase of 1.609344 kilometer haircut at Miles' Mile High Coiffure Shack! Mile High!" It's obsessive, but so over-saturating that you'll learn to ignore it quickly.
Getting Around
Denver's public transit is organized well enough that you can get pretty much anywhere without a car. The light rail service is comfortable, and the bus system's most notable charms are covered in the Meds and Whores section below. There are a suprising number of free shuttles that run between the various trendy spots downtown. All routes and maps are available online as well as at the stations themselves. During the winter months it's worth the five bucks to get a cab unless you're a hardcore, Jack London style motherfucker who braves freezing to death on his way to the Gyros cart.
Activities
Nothing says excitement like Columbine High and Jonbenet Ramsey's house in the same day! Both present outstanding photo opportunities, but make your snapshots quick ... your sick, ghoulish tendencies will often go unappreciated by the locals. After you preserve your precious moments it's a good plan to visit neighboring thrift stores which are packed with Columbine High School T-shirts, mugs, and other such detritus that would be lame were they not connected to teen blitzkrieg.
The gun laws are far more lax here than they are in the rest of the country. For example, if an uninvited party is in your home you can turn them into soup with a Kalashnikov and it's perfectly goddamn legal. Knowing this, you could A) buy a gun, rent a home, and wait, or B) take a short drive to the outskirts of Denver and go shooting. Naturally, the discharging of firearms is a dish best served drunk, so I'd recommend toting at least one "grenade"; that being a Martinelli's apple juice container full of Wild Turkey.
Denver has the same shopping opportunities as any other metropolitan city, and who cares? If you want to pick up knick-knacks, do make it a point to visit Blinky Collectables (1590 South Broadway). It's an antique shop run by the famous-if-you're-into-that-sorta-thing Blinky the Clown, who is now in his twilight years and delivers more drunken cantankerous barking than he does laughs. You can still join the honored ranks of the Blinky's Fun Club, complete with membership card and T-shirt.
Six Flags is a fine amusement park if you're Mister Wussy McFeelings with no sense of adventure. Try the Lakeside Amusement Park for some Carnival of Souls flavored deathtrap rides from the 60's. This place is the perfect timewarp atmosphere for a creepy afternoon and the admission is only two bucks.
Concert Venues
The Fillmore and The Ogden are your typical big room venues, with the Ogden sporting a decidedly hipper booking department. Slightly smaller are The Bluebird and the Larimer Lounge. It's best to check local listings before heading to any of these places. On a gamble, definitely hit Benders or Cricket On the Hill. There's live music in every other bar in the city, so the odds are in your favor.
Bars
Now we get into my field of expertise. The residents of Colorado consume more alcohol than those of any other state in the nation, and Denver out-drinks every other city in the state. The beauty of Denver bars is that n this city -- and this city alone -- you can get copies of Modern Drunkard Magazine for FREE! If you're unfamiliar, hit drunkard.com and peruse. It's got a handy roster of drink specials throughout the city for the given month. The best bar in Denver should be open in its new location by the time this guide sees print. I refer to Tiki Boyd's, an alcoholic tropical paradise designed by notorious cultural devil Boyd Rice. It's got the strongest drink in the best atmosphere, and serves as the "it" spot for the famous and infamous to meet and imbibe. There are bars every ten feet in this city, so if you want to visit one that is more interesting -- or at least move-over-shithouse-mouse crazier -- do look up The Clown Inn. The Clown Inn is your standard windowless cinderblock dive bar, except that it's painted like a circus tent and is decorated exclusively with images of clowns. Lots and lots of clowns. More clowns than anyone has a right to own. With the proper amount of alcohol (I always have at least two tall glasses of absinthe in preparation before entry) this room of a thousand Bozos transforms into a delightful, life-changing nightmare which you'll never drink enough to forget.
Food
Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita. Tattoo it on your mind. Casa ohmanI'minValhalla Bonita. If you go to one restaurant in Denver, make it Casa Bonita. Situated in an otherwise bland strip mall, this towering pink eatery will change the way you think about the relationship between taste and the other four senses. Once you recieve your platter of, say, cheese enchilladas, you're led into a MASSIVE room and seated before a 16 foot waterfall from which cliffdivers will entertain you with their acrobatics. Five minutes later, two wild west cowboys and a gorilla share the same stage, serving as a comedic appetizer for the gorilla/evil pirate show to come. Mariachis drift erratically from table to table like leaves in front of a blower to cheer you with their song. After dinner, you can take a walk through their haunted cave, catch the puppet show, tour the underground coal mine room, the further underground stalactite room, the upstairs Mexican villa, and the caricature booth. An entire episode of South Park was dedicated to this place. It leaves that much of a psychic imprint on anyone who's been there.
Other than the Casa, there are plenty of cool, cheap diners in Denver that haven't changed since the late forties. The best 24 joint is probably Pete's Kitchen on Colfax and Race, where the 3:00 AM burgers n' greek food throwdown is an honored tradition among the drunk and disorderly.
Lodging
There are a ton of inexpensive hotels and motels in Denver. The cheapest and most dangerous is the Royal Host, which I would not recommend. The Ramada Inn on Colfax and Marion is a nice middle ground, but unfortunately it features a bar so shitty that it makes other lame hotel bars seem like Disneyland. If you head toward Lakewood, you can stay at the Big Bunny Motel, where Lolita actress Sue Lyon tried to off herself with Heroin.
If you want to go full hog, it's worth the money to stay at the Stanley Hotel, where Kubric filmed The Shining. They might kick you out for riding a Big Wheel in the hallway, but I doubt it.
Weirdest Scene
My house, hands down. If you're not lucky enough to come to one of my pizza n' absinthe salons, do whatever you can to see a performance by Little Fyodor. I'd try to explain, but it's best if you just go here: littlefyodor.com
Getting Medicated
If it's the jazz cigarettes you're looking for, you'd be best off driving to nearby Boulder and copping weed from any one of the eight billion hippies who live there. That would also be your best, perhaps only, avenue for the purchase of psychotropics, though I hear you can't get acid here to save your life. As far as Denver proper, well, it's ALWAYS snowing in Denver. Good god there's a lot of coke here. It's probably more difficult to bum a cigarette than it is to buy cocaine. If the barrage of regular ol' cocaine becomes ho-hum, fret not, for we also have acres of crack. Those who have crack or know someone who does will be easy for you to identify.
Whores
Denver has more base hookers than any other town I've been to and they look like sculptures made of beef jerky and cat teeth. If you are "into" crack whores -- that is to say, if chalky, emaciated, scab encrusted women bring a tingle to your secret garden area -- look no further than the ass end of Colfax Avenue, the main artery of Denver (and the longest street in the U.S., as it so happens). It's pretty much a buyer's market. If you posess any degree of survival instinct you will use five condoms and dip your cock in hot bleach afterward.
"Escorts", on the other hand, tend to be of above-average quality and are in almost ridiculous abundance. I haven't used any of the services but I know someone who works as a sort of middle-madam between clients and escorts, and by all indications they're clean, super hot, and for sale. There are many inexpensive street publications that serve as a detailed menu for ass rental.
Little Known Secret
A small stone monument in front of a local bank marks the spot where one of our cultural hallmarks, the Cheeseburger, was first inveneted.
Secret Everybody Knows
The Pink Triangle, located on Broadway Avenue, caters primarily to homosexuals.
Avoid
Overpriced bars in "Lodo", the trendy downtown mall area. In fact, I tend to avoid the general douchebaggery of Lodo altogether.
Events
There is a yearly national stock show -- Cowschwitz, as I call it -- where real live ranchers and cowboys show off the most delicious examples of their livestock and get rip roaring hammered. This is more exciting than you might think. It's fascinating to walk up to a man and his cow and have him offer you a piece of steak with the greeting, "this is what my cow taste like."
Other than that, Denver isn't really an "event" kinda city.
Police State
You can go drinking for three straight days in Denver and not see one cop. I'm not kidding.
Suicide Mission
I'm not into sports, but it's glaringly apparent that Raiders fans are ... uh ... not exactly welcome. There's this weird Broncos/Raiders feud that has sparked full scale riots with tear gas and looting and everything. Don't wear Raiders stuff.
Disclaimer
You'll be sort of rummy/dopey high for a few days due to the thin air.
Inspiration
You will drink beside those who the U.S. government officially recognizes as the most hardcore drinkers in the country. How could you have a BAD time?
Further Reading
Rocky Mountain Paranormal