Las Vegas Still Lurks in the Shadows
Famous For:
Knee breaking, Frankie, Deano, and Sammy, gambling, boozing, prostitution, fear and loathing.
History:
Las Vegas was originally settled by over zealous Mormon missionaries there to teach the heathen Indians what's what. Unfortunately, for the Mormons at least, the native tribes could have cared less. The Mormons abandoned their fort by 1857. Nothing much exciting happened until the 1940's when the mob discovered that it was great place to do all of the things that they had been doing illegally, legally (except the knee breaking, but they figured they could get around that). Thus the legend of Vegas was born, land of glitz, glamour, gambling, and the all night drunk. A desert Sodom to New Orleans' swampy Gomorrah. In the late eighties corporations took over for the mob and began turning it into a family friendly desert Disney Land full of roller coasters a good clean American fun. But don't despair; the evil, strange, and smelly side of Vegas still lurks in the shadows.
Getting Around:
Vegas is a nightmare for anyone who is used to public transportation of any type. With 14+ cab companies, Vegas is a cabby's wet dream. The Las Vegas public transportation website was obviously designed by someone who was told: "no, really, people ride the bus, but they're just poor people, so don't try too hard." The buses seem to run on a random almost Zen-like schedule, and unless you really know your way around, multiple transfer bus rides are a nightmare. That said, you can get an all day pass for $5.00, but it doesn't work on the Strip Train. If you want to get anywhere in Vegas in a reasonable time and with your sanity intact, you either have to cab it, drive, or walk. Walking is not recommended unless you are used to a regular brisk jog in 115 degree heat, and driving is, of course, dangerous, since the bars never close and drinks are cheap.
Secret Everybody Knows:
Howard Hughes wore tissue paper boxes on his feet and never clipped his toenails.
Secret No One Knows:
The Liberace Museum is great on mushrooms. There is something inherently and properly wrong in wandering around a museum dedicated to the Midwest's most popular homosexual musician while ripped on hallucinogens. The museum opens at 10am, so I like to have a late night out, stumble over to the Dive Bar and politely ask them to close the blinds against the rising sun, and when all seems lost and forlorn, eat a few caps and wander over to the museum. It makes them nervous to have wide pupiled, smelly, drunks, waiting at the door for them to open. The thousands of rhinestones sparkling under fluorescent lights, makes the experience almost transcendent. And you get $2 off if you take a cab there, go figure.
Places to Avoid
The Strip, the Strip, the fucking Strip. This stretch of Vegas land is the soul-sucking epitome of what's wrong with the New Vegas. Expensive, over dressed, and child friendly, it is not the place any self respecting freak would ever want to find themselves. It is full of aquariums, roller coasters, chain restaurants, and fat Midwestern subnormals with their snot nosed screaming children. The only mildly redeeming quality is that you can see the tiger that ate Roy of Siegfried and Roy fame. Avoid at all costs.
Old Vegas:
If you feel the gambling itch and just have to go gambling, but don't want to have to sell blood to do it, go to Old Vegas, in and around Fremont Street. There are some casinos there built for those of us with a smaller budget. Some of these places are a bit seedy and run down, giving you that true Las Vegas feel. At times you can almost feel the ghosts of Frankie and Deano looking right over your shoulder sploshing drinks onto the lapels of your thrift store tux.
Eats:
One good thing about the overwhelming tourist aspect of Vegas is the ever present buffet, try Old Vegas for some good deals as well as the Western at 899 Fremont for cheap and nasty food, such as a $.99 foot long chili dog. And the bacon Bloody Mary at the Double Down Saloon is a breakfast all in itself.
Drinks & Music:
This is what I really come to Vegas for: the booze. It is cheap and most bars are open 24 hours, also, as an added bonus, you can walk around with an open container. While you do get free drinks while gambling at casinos, if you are in the cheap seats, such as low ante blackjack or nickel slots, service is few and far between. That's why I go to a few select dive bars. Such as the Double Down Saloon. The Double Down is a dark and comfortable bar that serves the bacon Bloody Mary and a dangerous concoction simply known as Ass Juice. It features live music most nights of the week, and has an amazing juke box. Crowded, the walls sticker covered, it is a fantastic place to see local and touring acts that often play all night. My favorite was going outside for a breather and finding the sun up. The Cheyenne at 3103 N. Rancho Dr. also features local bands every night of the week, and is the kind of rare Las Vegas nightspot where people are watching music or talking instead of playing video poker. The Cheyenne is mostly metal and hard rock, and off the beaten path, but worth checking out. And, last but not least, be sure to check out Dive Bar, which is just what it sounds like, and is also my favorite place to drink while avoiding watching the sun rise. They feature live music, mostly touring regional punk, rock, and hard rock. Also, this is a great place to grab a bite to eat at the end of the night (or morning) when the booze has crawled on top and is driving you around like a sloppy meat bus.
Pawn Shops:
Vegas is the land of the pawn shop, the last hope of the desperate loser who knows that the next roll of the dice, deal of the cards, spin of the wheel, that one is the one that will change everything. The pawn shops in Vegas are insane, everything from prosthetic legs to cheap watches are pawned here. This, my friend, is the town where everything is for sale, and you can find your own random trinket or souvenir.
Fear and Loathing:
I love Hunter S. Thompson, but he ruined it for the rest of us. While a great town for drinking, gambling, and debauchery, Las Vegas is not a good town for drugs. The state of Nevada has some very arcane and draconian laws about drugs, so be careful, and it is probably best to bring your own if you have to have them. That said, the area north of Old Vegas is just the place to go if you are looking for a scary/sketchy drug experience.
Sexcapades:
Prostitution is actually illegal within Clark County, however, the state in general has legal prostitution, so rather than risk a sting, if you need to get your ya ya's out try one of the many legal and well run brothels about an hour's drive outside of town. Also, more and more women come out to Las Vegas for weekends with their friends or for conventions, so you might try getting some in the old fashioned way: meeting someone in a bar.
Best Place to See Cranked out Steroid Monsters at Four in the Morning:
The Crown and Anchor, 1350 E. Tropicana. This English pub is the perfect place for a surreal stopover while waiting for the Liberace Museum to open and the mushrooms to kick in. Even at four in the morning muscle bound Brits and Brit wanna-be's sit around drinking beer, throwing darts, and comparing bicep size. Warning: It is a good thing to know at least a little something about soccer (they call it football) in case someone grunts at your puny ass.
Events:
Punk Rock Bowling Tournament. A great 3-day event in February featuring bands from around the country jamming and competing against each other in a spike-haired bowling frenzy. Restaurant and Bar Association Convention. If you work in the service industry, try to con your way into this event. All I have to say I that it is the biggest room full of free liquor and food that I have ever seen.
Getting There and Away:
Cheap flights are always available to Vegas, however, once you land at the airport, you are again at the mercy of the Las Vegas public transportation system. Cab it.
Handy Drinking Tip:
Pop a twenty into the video poker at the bar; play only when the bartender is looking at you, prolonging the game for as long as possible. Proceed to milk free drinks. Make sure to tip. This only works at casinos, since most bars will charge you, even if you are playing video poker.