LES Troll Museum by Appointment Only
Famous for: overcrowded tenements, immigrants, landlord negligence, giant rats, sweatshops, protests, synagogues, bars, drugs, pickles, knishes, salami, rapid gentrification, overflowing garbage and noise
Overview: The Lower East Side is a neighborhood in Manhattan. As the name suggests, it is on the lower east side of Manhattan. It is not at the bottom of Manhattan because then it would be the Lowest East Side. Sometimes you'll hear the Lower East Side referred to as the LES, which is acceptable. Other times you'll hear it referred to as "LoHo" a term invented by landlords to make the LES seem fancy like neighboring SoHo. If you hear someone use the phrase LoHo they are probably trying to rent you an apartment.
The southern border of the LES is Canal Street and its northern border is Houston Street. Both are big streets that run East/West and separate the Lower East Side from the rest of the world. The neighborhood above Houston Street on the east side is "the East Village." Long ago the East Village was also referred to as the Lower East Side, until it got changed to the East Village to make it seem more fancy like the West Village. Still the LES and East Village are similar in that they are filled with people who either do heroin or look like they do heroin. The eastern border of the LES is the East River and the western border is the Bowery. Though other, non-geographic borders exist. For instance, my roommate once told me that he was walking back from SoHo and he asked his companion, "What is the border between the Lower East Side and SoHo?" And at that exact moment a giant rat crossed his path and he said, "I guess that's it."
The LES used to be a poor immigrant neighborhood. In fact it remained a poor immigrant neighborhood until about ten years ago when the forces of gentrification* swept through, replacing crack paraphernalia shops, cheap bodegas and affordable rents with boutiques, luxury housing and bars that serve ten-dollar Budweisers.
*Gentrification can be defined as either making an unprosperous neighborhood prosperous or making a once rockin' neighborhood suck.
Getting Around
One of the great things about New York City is that you don't need a designated driver because the subway is your designated driver! And, the Lower East Side is easily accessed via the 'F' train - a urine-soaked chariot, known for inconsistency, slowness and public masturbators. Hence taking it can induce panic attacks, nausea and high blood pressure. Often I'm on the subway and it'll stop in a dark tunnel for over five minutes and I think either, "terrorists" or "apocalypse." However once I'm off the subway I'm always thankful that I'm still alive.
Sadly, subway neurosis is beneficial to the government who love it when people are shit-scared. Then they can do things like grant cops the "right" to randomly search bags on the subway. When faced with a backpack search on the 'F', I suggest one of two things. You can refuse to comply, cause a scene and call the ACLU. Or never leave your home without a minimum of two dildos, a bottle of lube and some porn stuffed in your bag. (Even better if it's gay porn featuring men in cop uniforms!)
A few more words of caution: If you spend enough time on the subway you will encounter a public masturbator. A popular tactic they employ is that they'll ask you what time it is. Then when you look over to tell them, they whip it out and spank it. NEVER WEAR A WATCH ON THE SUBWAY, not just because it serves as bait for masturbators but also because a watch will make you acutely aware of the passing time. In any case, the best defense against a public masturbator is to look him directly in the eye and make the universal "tiny penis" sign with your thumb and index finger.
Terrorists, cops and public masturbators aren't the only subway-goers you have to worry about. Christians also ride the 'F'. If a nicely dressed young person sits next to you and strikes up a conversation, they are not trying to befriend you!!! They are a Christian trying to get your ass to church. Have fun with them, either by speaking in Latin backwards or preaching back to them about the joys of bisexuality, promiscuity and blaring gangsta rap at four in the morning. My friend, Lorne, suggests that if they hand you a pamphlet, you hand them a two-for-one drink ticket from your fave bar.
Activities
The Lower East Side Tenement Museum offers a fascinating glimpse into the neighborhood's past. Visit their web site: www.tenement.org to make reservations or get there early to avoid the hordes of tourists who go there to learn about the crap living conditions of their ancestors.
Conveniently located only a block away from the Tenement Museum, you'll find my world famous Troll Museum! Packed with over 400 trolls, you will learn more about trolls than you ever wanted to know in one lifetime. Please note: the Troll Museum is accessible BY APPOINTMENT ONLY! Don't just ring my buzzer because I might be having sex. Instead email me at revjen@revjen.com.
Concert Venues
Since my record collection contains almost nothing from the past thirty years, I don't go to many concerts. Mostly I go see my friends play at places like Cake Shop, the Delancey and the street corner. My fave performer, "karaoke man" Brad Prowley, sometimes sings in front of Bereket Turkish Kebab House at three in the morning. But if you're into the modern music that is "all the rage" with kids these days, go to Bowery Ballroom or Mercury Lounge where you can see bands that have more than five fans.
A number of bar/clubs in the LES host multiple acts almost every night of the week. The quality of the band is usually an inverse relationship to the size of the lead singers sunglasses. Favorites include Sin-e and Tonic. The Annex at 152 Orchard is a good place to take your scenester friend visiting from LA if you don't want to make the trip to Chelsea. Arlenes Grocery has Punk Rock Karaoke on Monday nights and Pianos is tolerable if you know the band.
Bars
My fave bars on the LES have all been bulldozed to build more desperately needed housing for the rich. There are still a few decent places left, but even they should be avoided on Fridays and Saturdays from 10 p.m. till 2 a.m. unless you want to not sit down while having drinks spilled on you by a-holes who look like they just stepped out of Girls Gone Wild: Cancun.
The best time to go out drinking is on Tuesdays at 2 a.m. because it guarantees you'll be able to sit down and avoid others, which is what Petula Clark really meant when she insisted downtown was a place to "forget all your troubles, forget all your cares."
Ludlow Street is the epicenter of bar activity. There you'll find Motor City (127 Ludlow), a "badass" bar where men with skinny legs parade around in tight black pants while listening to DJ's spin punk at deafening decibels. It's a great place for a date if you just want to make out and not listen or talk. Up the block you'll find Iggy's (132 Ludlow), a pub serving decently priced beer. Above Iggy's you'll find shitloads of other bars - too many to name. Basically just walk up Ludlow Street and go in any bar that has seats available.
Or, as you ascend Ludlow, veer right on Rivington Street where you'll find "Fat Baby" (112 Rivington), a bar that boasts a basement not unlike the "beatnik den" where Shirley Feeney improvised her notorious scarf dance. It is brimming with hot young men who dress like early Who. I popped a clit boner just walking into the place.
Food
My oven hasn't worked in three years, making me an expert on LES food choices. Pizza is an important part of my diet since part of drinking responsibly means coating the walls of my stomach with grease. And though there are many pizza places on the LES, locals overwhelmingly swarm to Rosario's on Orchard and Stanton. If pizza places were like discos of the '70s, Rosario's would be Studio 54. There, "Sal" the most tireless pizza man in the Western Hemisphere, serves up slices with love.
If you eat meat or simply want to "send a salami" to your boy in the army, head over to Katz's Deli (205 Houston), which has been serving up artery-choking sandwiches since the 1890s. Or if you're in the mood for mashed potatoes, but are too lazy to make them, go to Yonah Schimmel's (137 Houston) and get a knish, which is like a bunch of mashed potatoes squashed together.
If you need dessert, check out Sugar Sweet Sunshine (126 Rivington) for technicolor cupcakes or Economy Candy (108 Rivington) for candy cigarettes and pop rocks.
Finally satisfy your oral fixation at Guss' Pickles (85 Orchard) the neighborhood's original pickle vendor.
Lodging
If you are homeless and hungry you can stay at the Bowery Mission (227 Bowery) not be confused with the Mission Bar a block away, which uses velvet ropes to keep out the homeless and hungry. If you are a wealthy exhibitionist who will get off on the fact that everyone in my building (including me) can see in your room from our rooftop, you can stay at the all-glass, 21-story Hotel on Rivington, which most residents consider the "Death Star" of the neighborhood. For a more unusual and much cheaper visit, stay at an art-star run LES home style "bed and no breakfast" on Allen Street. Email the proprietors at staywithus@gmail.com. More traditional options include: Howard Johnson's Express (135 E. Houston), Blue Moon Hotel (100 Orchard), Off SoHo Suites (11 Rivington) and passing out on the sidewalk (anywhere.)
Weirdest Scene
My show, the Anti-Slam, is the longest running open mike on Ludlow Street. It's also the weirdest scene on earth. These days it's on Wednesdays at Cake Shop (152 Ludlow). It used to be at Collective Unconscious, which was once a theater at 145 Ludlow, which had once been a brothel that fronted as a tailor shop. Then it got bulldozed. Now it's a giant hole in the ground that you can see from Cake Shop.
Despite adversity, the Anti-Slam is going strong. During the eleven years I've hosted it, I have seen, among other things: a man light his penis on fire, a woman pull onions out of her vag, a man clad in nothing but a cop hat simulate sex with a giant monster/robot, performers try to piss themselves, an audience member accidentally drink a performer's pee, a man paint his penis purple, a middle-aged nudist with elephantitis of the nutsack read poetry in nothing but sweatsocks and a man pour baking soda and vinegar into his speedo causing a science fair-like volcanic explosion to occur.
Getting Medicated
Heroin is so over. St. Joseph's baby aspirin is where it's at. That and Budweiser, which you can find at every bodega south of Houston in a mind-blowing variety of shapes and sizes. At one bodega on Stanton Street you can even find 10-ounce Bud Light cans! Strange! An aesthetic fave amongst locals is the 24-ounce can, which surrealistically makes large men's hands look tiny.
If you want psychedelic drugs, spend some time and grow your own. I can't recommend www.shroomery.org enough. Then, when you take them, stare at the giant neon tooth in the dentist's window on Delancey and Orchard. Trust me - it's hilarious.
Whores
There are a lot of slutty, bisexual people on the LES so whores are barely needed. It's best not to throw your money away on expensive prostitutes when you can probably depants a hipster by simply announcing that you're staying in a hotel room that has air conditioning. If even then no one wants to bone you, pick up a copy of the Village Voice and buy yourself some ass.
Little Known Secret
Lower East Side Standard Time: Everything starts fifteen minutes late.
Secret Everybody Knows
Houston Street is pronounced "How-Stun" Street, not "Hyou-Stun" (like Houston, Texas). If you do pronounce it "Hyou-Stun" everyone will know you're a total dork.
Avoid
Velvet Ropes. They are a red flag for lameness. Just because a place puts velvet ropes in front of its door doesn't mean it's where you want to be. You probably don't want to be there. Instead, find a place where uncoolness is celebrated and encouraged like an open mike or cheap dive bar.
Events
Pickle Fest, Shakespeare in the Parking Lot, the Mr. Lower East Side Pageant, me trying to find my keys
Police State
Never buy pot on the corner of Rivington and Delancey. This is where the Dell guy got busted and where my friends, Gerber and Spiro also got busted. Actually if you can avoid it, never buy drugs on the street and don't leave your house with drugs unless they are already in your system or baked into a cookie.
Drinking on the street is also forbidden, so leave the forties at home. You can get to-go margaritas from El Sombrero on Ludlow Street, which come in inconspicuous paper cups to facilitate public drinking.
Dancing is also illegal because of the archaic Cabaret Laws, which Giuliani dusted off in an attempt to prevent anyone from ever having fun again. The "no dancing" signs are not a joke.
Suicide Mission
Climbing an LES fire escape to get to a rooftop. Those things are fucking old and if you think the slumlords have repaired the holes in them you're mistaken. Do what everybody else does for a good view: go to the Empire State Building.
Disclaimer
By the time you read this, probably everything cool on the LES will have been bulldozed.
Inspiration
Men in four-pocket shirts, chillin' in beach chairs along the sidewalk while rocking out to transistor radios. They are the Zen Masters of New York City.