L.A. – The City Everyone Kind of Hates
Famous for: movies, TV, celebrities, hedonism, nice weather, perpetual perverted childhoods, empty promises, ungodly traffic, and the crushing of souls.
Overview: L.A. is the city of the future. No, there aren't flying cars or an entire population clad in silver unitards, but L.A.'s urban sprawl and lack of a true center give cities from Minneapolis to Phoenix an idea where they're headed. While places like New York and San Francisco are hemmed in by natural boundaries, forcing them to build themselves up into "real" cities, there was never really anything to hold the city of angels at bay (besides good taste and foresight, which are easily ignored). The result is just shy of thirteen million people spread across an area of about 465 square miles.
Yes, L.A. is hard to wrap your head around. As a city, it's more a collection of smaller cities lumped together (oftentimes "L.A." refers to Los Angeles County as much as the city itself). The lumping began around 1913, with William Mulholland's completion of the L.A. aqueduct, which stole- er, I mean, brought water from the Owens Valley, some 200 miles away. To really vilify the L.A. water project, see Chinatown. Once L.A. had its water, it began annexing surrounding communities who didn't have their own supply. But of course the city really began to grow in the 1920s when the motion picture and aviation industries came to town.
As L.A. prospered, more and more people came to the city. As a result, the population is now about 60% immigrant (either from other countries or states other than California). About 140 countries are represented in the citizenry as well as around 224 languages, which can make striking up a conversation or communicating with your mechanic difficult. There's Chinatown, Koreatown, Little Tokyo, Little Ethiopa, Little Armenia, Thai Town, Historic Filipinotown, and the entire city is infused with Latino culture. As one guy once said about L.A., "Everyone belongs here because no one belongs here."
So, as you can imagine, it's impossible to conceive of L.A. in its entirety. When you live here, you basically just find your own niche, your own group of friends, your favorite places to go. As such, I'll just tell you about my neighborhood, the East Side (note this is not the same as "East Los Angeles").
Now, even the term "the East Side" is a bit nebulous, but the areas I'm referring to include Los Feliz, Silver Lake, Echo Park, East Hollywood, Eagle Rock, and downtown L.A. Long story short, the steady climb of living expenses has driven most of us Bohemian (re: poor) types east, where we rub elbows with urban grit, while those richies on the West Side drive their goddam Mercedes up and down the coast.
Getting Around
There's a saying that everything in L.A. is half an hour away from everything else, but it's really more like everything in L.A. is AT LEAST half an hour away from everything else. The traffic will fuck you up. Bad. Cars are all but a necessity in this town, unless you're dedicated to making the public transportation work. You can buy a Metro Day Pass for $3 and ride any of the Metro's buses or subways as much as you'd like that day. You can plan your trip on the Metro website. The subway is very simplistic and easy to use, but is not particularly expansive. Luckily, though, the Red Line does service the East Side nicely. There are also Metro Rapid buses, which run along many of the major streets (Wilshire, Sunset, Vermont) with limited stops, making them, how you say, "rapid." As far as taxis go, the city is so big that any ride will probably cost a bunch. That is, if the taxi ever shows up. And even if they do show up, the drivers often (a) don't know their way around town, and (b) don't speak or understand English so well. But another benefit of life on the East Side, particularly in Los Feliz, is that many things are walkable.
Activities
L.A. is a pretty laidback city, so "activities" might be the wrong word. There's a lot of hanging out, lots of self-medication, lots of sunny weather. When people do get around to doing something, it usually takes a while to really get going, and there's still a good chance that someone will flake out at the last minute. One side effect of so many Angelenos being employed freelance (re: off and on) by the entertainment industry is the staggering number of people out and about during the day, eating a leisurely lunch at sidewalk cafes or casually shopping or sinking into a general malaise. This, combined with L.A.'s great diversity and large population of crazies, makes for awesome people watching.
Other activities include being asked for change by every fifth person on the street. Angelenos, as gracious and entertaining hosts, will often weave elaborate tales of flat tires, recent jail release, empty gas tanks, ill relatives, and impounded cars in order to swindle you out of a little cash. Sometimes the story is good enough to just go along with it. And they say there's no good theatre in L.A.
If you really want an activity, you could always go to Griffith Park. It's the largest municipal park in the country, and features the L.A. Zoo (now with seal lions), a golf course, a train museum, and the observatory from Rebel Without A Cause. There's also the farmers market on Olvera Street downtown. Depending on the season, the cheap seats at a Dodgers game make for a pleasant, outdoor experience. You could also go to a coffee shop and find someone to collaborate on a screenplay with. Or at least talk about collaborating on a screenplay. And if you're up to the traffic, driving around town will give you plenty of eye candy. And when it gets too much, go to a yoga class to wipe it all away.
But, truly, the most popular activity in L.A. is eschewing community in favor of self-obsession.
Concert Venues
If you want to catch indie rock on the rise, or a secret Weezer ("Goat Punishment") show, go to Spaceland. For local flavor, there's Mr. T's Bowl (former bowling alley), and The Echo. For local flavor that kind of sucks, there's always Taix, which is a cozy French restaurant that features a weekly open mic night.
Bars
The East Side is thick with cool, laidback bars, many of which have sweet jukeboxes. On Hillhurst Ave alone, you've got Ye Rustic Inn (where hipsters meet drifters), The Drawing Room (opens at 6AM), The Derby (originally a chicken restaurant owned by Cecile B. Demille), and The Good Luck Bar (tiny but cool Asian theme). Down in Silver Lake there's the 4100 Bar (the clientele may be too cool for school, but the staff welcomes all), The Red Lion (waitresses have a bit of an attitude, but it's a German bar, and we all know how Germans get), and The Lounge (went from gay bar to sexually-nonspecific bar and is none the worse for wear). Echo Park offers the Short Stop (a former cop bar down the street from Dodger's Stadium). On Figueroa in the Aves, there's Footsies (bare-chested paintings and a strong pour). Eagle Rock's got The Chalet (it's like a real chalet!). And just across the 5 from Los Feliz, there's The Roost (cash only, but free popcorn) and Bigfoot Lodge (pseudo wilderness feel with $2 PBRs on Thurs).
Food
Piggybacking on L.A.'s cultural diversity is its culinary diversity. One notable eatery is Zankou Chicken at Sunset and Normandie, which is run by Armenians and tastes like heaven and has this fifty-year-old, stout, one-eyed employee whom I assume was once a streetfighter. Hard Times Pizza at Griffith Park and Hyperion is really good with a crust that's not quite thin, not quite thick. Tasty Vietnamese noodles are available at Pho, tucked innocuously inside a strip mall at Sunset and Silver Lake Blvds. For sandwiches, check out Giamella's (next door to The Bigfoot Lodge). In an old train depot in Chinatown is Philipe's, the alleged birthplace of the French dip. There's also a Thai restaurant every block. Some of the good ones are Leela Thai in Silver Lake and Eat n' High at Fountain and Virgil. And of course there's even more Mexican restaurants than Thai ones. And for the best ice cream and donuts and the surliest chess players, you can't beat Tang's at Sunset and Fountain.
One trick is that you'll be hard-pressed to find any place open past even eleven o'clock at night. I don't exactly why that is. Guess they have better shit to do. So if you leave the bar with full-on munchies, your best bets are Pink Elephant Liquor on Western (they even deliver), Benitos Tacos on Santa Monica Blvd, the burrito place next to the Metro stop at Vermont and Santa Monica, or one of the Toi Thai's (either Vine or Sunset). There's also a guy who sometimes comes around selling tamales inside a handful of the bars, but it's hard to peg his schedule.
When you wake up, or if you're partying through the night, go to either The Pantry (there will probably be a line, but the place is a great, old-timey diner) down near Staples Center or Eat-Well (healthy and delicious) on Sunset for breakfast.
Lodging
There are plenty of hotels and motels throughout L.A., and the East Side specifically. There's even hostels over in Hollywood where you could possibly meet some starry-eyed Europeans wearing backpacks. But many people who come to L.A. are visiting someone specifically, and so stay in their friends' homes. If you're truly strapped for cash and need a place to stay, just curl up on the sidewalk and blend in with L.A.'s booming homeless population.
Weirdest Scene
Busloads of people filing into the ginormous Scientology complex at Sunset Blvd and L. Ron Hubbard Way. That's right, L. Ron Hubbard Way.
Drugs
Marijuana is pretty widespread, so you might just ask somebody. Other than that, you could hop the Red Line downtown to Pershing Square and head east into The Nickel (5th and Spring St) where you can pretty much get anything from pills to dime bags to black tar heroin to a punch in the face. About a mile west of downtown, at 6th and Burlington, you could also score a crack attack or more black tar, but they're not always open for business. And, finally, there's the various drug peddlers in pretty much any city park. Look for the dude lying in the bushes.
Whores
Sunset Blvd is a classic whoring area. I've also been propositioned pulling out of the Wendy's drive-thru on Vermont. If you want really keen whoring action, head to Hollywood. There's this one black woman dressed in a really tight Wonder Woman outfit, whom I think is a prostitute. Or she's here to protect us all. I'm not entirely sure. I'll have to ask the dirty blonde Supergirl in stilettos that she pals around with. And if boy-whores are your bag, head to West Hollywood.
Little Known Secret
South Central is now known as "South L.A." and is predominantly Latino.
Secret Everybody Knows
Buy a Thomas Guide. It's a big, fat notebook of L.A. street maps. You pretty much can't get lost if you have one.
Avoid
Believing what people tell you.
Events
There's the Sunset Junction festival in August featuring live music and gay gangbangers. There's a Silver Lake Film Festival. A bunch of war protesters stand on the corner of Hollywood and Sunset every Friday during rush hour and encourage people to honk. And there's all the Hollywood stuff going on. Other than that, you're pretty much on your own.
Police State
There are a lot of cops cruising the streets of L.A., and they can be dicks, but in all honesty it has a lot to do with the color of your skin. And if that sounds like bullshit, change it from the inside: the LAPD has a big "now hiring" push going on.
Suicide Mission
Live in L.A. longer than 10 years. You may still be breathing, but, baby, something inside you has died.
Disclaimer
L.A. is what you make of it. If you already think you hate the place, you're probably going to hate it. If you want to have fun, there is fun to be had.
Inspiration
Everybody talks shit about L.A. and yet people keep coming. There must be something to it, then, right?
Further Reading
Nathanael West's masterpiece about Hollywood, The Day Of The Locust, and my own take on L.A., Deuced.
Websites
LA Observed
LA Voice
LA Times