Minneapolis – Block E is a Cancer
Overview
Minneapolis was founded in 1850 by a group of sadistic Swedes looking for a home as cold and flat as Stockholm. The Swedes took land from the Dakota in exchange for naming rights (Minnehaha) and a promise that some day, we would let them gamble.
During the 1800's the Mill City milled and the Saint Anthony Falls sawed lumber. The Pillsbury dough boy got plump while the northern woods were plundered. In the 1980's a Prince was born and the Revolution started. Prince's monarchy was overthrown in the 90's by a professional wrestler named 'The Body' who "shocked the world" and became our governor.
What the City is Known For
Prince got his start at First Avenue. He lives in a suburban purple mansion and hosts parties at Paisley Park Studios on weekends. Bob Dylan perfected folk here in the early 60's. Paul Westerberg and Bob Mould helped Prince make the 80's tolerable. In 2005, Craig Finn's The Hold Steady told an epic story of a fast-living hood-rat girl saving herself for the City Center punk scene.
Mary Tyler Moore endorses the Nicollet pedestrian mall. The IDS Center's crystal court is the only good thing built during the 70s. You can't take a bad picture of the Stone Arch Bridge. The new Guthrie looks like a blue factory pumping out orange smoke. It's not. But it does have unitard wearing thespians pumping out midwestern flavored Shakespeare.
Secret that Everybody Knows
Block E is a cancer.
Secret that Nowbody Knows
Cancer cannot be spread by shaking hands or hugging.
Music Scene
Minneapolis has a great music scene and is home to tons of great local acts. You can see these bands on the cheap at some of the best music venues in the country. The 7th Street Entry is a panic attack. Cedar Avenue houses the 400 Bar, The Cabooze, and the Triple Rock Social Club. The Triple Rock is my favorite of the three. The bar is punk and the venue is jam packed with weird music loving patrons. If you are underage, the 3Rock books a couple all-ages shows a week. But beware of anyone with a mustache or a van.
The Fine Line is a good venue, but for every good band they book, there is a month of Aimee Mann type crap.
Minneapolis' four theatres (Pantages, Orpheum, Northrup Auditorium, Historic) host popular indie bands and larger national acts. Unfortunately, each of these venues has seats. I would rather go to a pampered chef party in the suburbs than sit down at a rock show. I guess it might be fun if you are either 40+ or missing an essential limb.
Best Local Bands
Minneapolis has a great electro-punk scene. Avenpitch is my debaser. The singer is a lunatic. Tapes N' Tapes new album is book. If you missed Joy Division and Bauhaus in the 80's, you'll think that Revolver Modele has a really original sound. Hippies dig Cloud Cult and everyone digs Mason Jennings. Wiggers love Atmosphere and sluts love Slug. The Soviettes are sluts and may love Slug, but I doubt it. Mark Mallman defies logic and sometimes wears a wolf mask during 52-hour sets.
Places to Avoid
Stay away from the Mall of America and Block E. Both are equally terrible, but probably tempting for tourists. Avoid downtown lounges and clubs. In fact, unless you are going to First Avenue for a show, I would not go out downtown on a weekend at all. I avoid Williams and Old Chicago in Uptown. Any bar/club with either "bella" or "noche" in its name should be foreclosed.
Events
The Goth Prom is my favorite event of the year. It is held at the Saloon on the first Monday in May. Ground Zero's Rubber Ball is a solid fetish freakfest held on the Thursday before Easter.
The Minneapolis Aquatennial is in July and hosts a big parade, sporting events, concerts, sand castle building, and a huge fireworks show. I got tired just writing that. My best memory of the Aquatennial is pulling tongue with a hot little age group swimmer at a swim meet in Edina. She wasn't looking for anything long term.
Neighborhoods / Bars
Uptown is where all Minnesota kids move when they graduate from college. There is a great punk scene in Uptown anchored by the CC Club and the Red Dragon on Lyndale. The CC Club is for punk has-beens. You'll find real punks hanging out in Lyndale alleys pulling tongue with their gutter-punk GF's. The Red Dragon is for drunks. Order a Wondrous Punch and two Budweisers. Lyle's on Hennepin is not exactly punk, but they have good late night 2 for 1 specials and enough degenerates to keep out the baseball cap crowd.
Everything else in Uptown caters to the 22 to 26-year-old frat boy trying to convince himself he doesn't need to marry a Delta girl until he is at least 27. The Lagoon in Uptown is the city's best place to see a movie. Uptown also has great shopping in and around Calhoun Square. The corner of Lyndale and Lake has several great bars like the Cowboy, Yukon Club, and the VFW. The VFW is fun on Thursday nights. You can sing karaoke and drink your wine from a box. The Yukon Club is supposed to have phillies. All I've ever seen is gay Mexicans.
Downtown is the most active place to be from 5 to 9pm on weekdays. Rossi's has the best happy hour. The Local is an Irish bar with a semi-private Red Room where you can have semi-sex with semi-chubby girls and boys. Brits Pub is an English bar, and my favorite in downtown. They have a well behaved lawn bowling course on the roof. Brits also hosts a movie night where they project sappy romantic films on the side of the Double Tree hotel. Everyone makes out on the grass while watching Hugh Grant's hair flop about. Bring a blanket if your girl has been begging for the double helix.
Downtown has several gay bars. Minneapolis is one of the more gay friendly towns in the US. I usually only hit gay bars during pride week. The Gay 90s is an emporium. It's a great place to dance. Queers do not like it because too many straight people hang there. I just take off my shirt and appease everyone. The Saloon hosts Hard Mondays, which is an industrial darksider event. Every other night is Queer as Folk. The Minneapolis Eagle has a 3:1 happy hour every Friday. It's a leather bar, so don't forget to put your ass-less chaps in your Jansport on the way to work. If you are into pregnant strippers, go to the Skyway Lounge and order a long island ice tea. Think about bringing your own stemwear. Liquor Lyles is one of the only bars I would go to downtown on a weekend night. Cheap beer. Sluts. Live music. Word.
Northeast (Nordeast) is my favorite neighborhood in Minneapolis. And it's not just because I am a darksider deviant who likes to be tied up and faux-fucked by lesbians with strap-ons. If you "wear black on the outside because black is how you feel on the inside" Ground Zero is teeming with angsty introspective goth kids every Thursday and Saturday night for Bondage-a-Go-Go. Ground Zero is a huge warehouse dance/fetish club with giant video screens playing Bettie Page erotica. At Ground Zero, girls dance in cages, people get violated in dentist chairs, and dudes gear up with bridle and saddle. There is a bunch of other weird stuff going on at GZ, but it's stuff I only talk to my therapist about. The Front is the dance club connected to Ground Zero. It's perfect for dropping off your lame-ass friends while you grave dig to Peter Murphy.
The 22nd Ave. Station is the gauge that all seedy strip clubs should be measured against. If you like to watch strippers covered with tattoos while you have a burger, hit the "double deuce" during lunch. Lap dances are conducted in the men's bathroom. Dig it?
Nye's Polonaise Room has live polka and a lounge singer that to my knowledge only plays Elton John. Gastov's has the same 21-28 year old crowd as Nye's. But they don't have the Elton John. And you will either hook-up, or get beat up.
Dinkytown is turning up the volume. Over the last few years the Kitty Cat Club, the Loring Pasta Bar, and the Varsity Theater have opened and joined Annie's Parlor as fun places to hang. The Kitty Cat Club and the Loring Pasta bar are owned by the same guy. Both incorporate the Pablo Picasso opium den theme made famous by the original Loring. They are pretty cool places to take a date. If you need something low key before hand, check out an indie film at the UofM's Bell auditorium. Make sure to bring a flask. Indie films are a chore.
The Varsity Theater opened in 2005. I have given the Varsity more than its fair shake. But other than having a couple beds to make out on, the Varsity is terrible. The Varsity should win the City Pages 2005 award for most annoying service industry worker. They have this over-weight, balding, 40 year old man taking money at the door. From what I can tell, all he does is make fun of what girls are wearing, screw up change for a 20, and hit on me. I am going to mug the shit out of dough boy next time I see him.
Cedar Casey McGovern has renamed this area Little Mogadishu or "Little Mog" for its large population of Somali refugees. There are tons of great bars and music venues such as the Triple Rock. At some point during your night, a Somali guy will drop an n-bomb on a local, and you will find yourself about 5 feet from a knife fight. Make sure to protect your head as you walk 5 blocks north to 7 Corners. The bars aren't that great, but there are generally fewer neanderthals than in Uptown and Downtown. If you like to ride Harley's, the Cabooze is 5 blocks south. There are 2-3 biker bars in this area. I'm going to hold off on these 3 until my mid-life crisis kicks in.
Nokomis is very residential, but it does have one solid spot. The Chatterbox on 35th Street and 24th Avenue has dim red lights, good food and retro atari games. They do not serve the hard stuff, but do have one hot goth waitress who thinks I'm pretty funny.
Seward has a Pizza Luce, so it must be the shit. Dance-a-holics attend the Clubhouse Jaeger's Transmission every Wednesday, but probably think the term "dance-a-holic" is keyboard. I couldn't agree more. Memory Lanes is the best place in town to roll. Seward is home to Minneapolis' only lesbian club (Pi) and its only fully pedestrian neighborhood (Milwaukee Ave). These two may be related.
Food
King and I Thai on Grant and LaSalle has the best food in Minneapolis. The lounge area has a DJ each night. Wednesday is neighborhood appreciation night, which brings in dykes, riot grrls, and one orally aggressive Asian. Last time I went on a Wednesday I ordered a tiki love potion and lost a dance off to a 300 pound lesbian. 'Sista' could shake it.
The best Indian food in the city can be found at New Delhi on Nicollet & 15th. Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge in Nordeast serves A+ pizza with heady tiki drinks. Psycho Suzi's also has carpet floors made to look like wood and wood walls made to look like carpet. The Loring Pasta Bar has the best ambiance in the city and is a great place to take a date.
In Uptown, Fuji-ya has the best sushi. They also have a DJ at night, plus a great Sunday night happy hour. It's Greek to Me sets your food on fire. Chino Latino has great fusion cuisine, but is spendy. Before I turned phase-4 vegan, I thought that the Herkimer made a phenomenal cheeseburger with decent home-brewed beer to boot. I still think the beer is good, and sometimes even get it to go in a growler.
If you are in the Nokomis neighborhood, Fat Lorenzo's has great cheap Italian food. Get the calzone, fatty.
The Town Talk Diner serves 40's. And if it weren't for all of the bald 40 year old men trying to "slum it" by ordering $9 cheesburgers, the Town Talk would be a fun place for a group hang. If you can stomach the yuppy, hit the Town Talk on a week day, and don't forget to key a Lexus on your way home.
Breakfast
Victor's 1959 Cafe on Grand Avenue and 38th has the best Cuban food north of Little Havana. You cannot go wrong with any breakfast dish or their pulled pork. Communists get a 5% discount on free trade coffee beans.
It's Late, I'm Drunk, Let's Eat
The best is Little Tijuanas on 28th and Nicollet. They are open till at least 4AM. If you are in Dinkytown get a gyro or falafel at Santana Foods on University.
Taking a Lover
First Avenue's Saturday night Too Much Love is usually a great place to meet fun people. It helps if you can cut a rug. In between "got kicked out" and "bit that bar girl in the calf", my friend KO annointed the Lodge Bar as the best place to pick up a girl. Nye's is always good at 1:50 a.m. I hate to say this, but pretty much every bar on 1st Avenue after a T-Wolves game is packed with sorority girls. Champps Alley, Brothers, Drink, and Rosens are equally terrible places where it's pretty easy to 'take a lover'.
The Independent in Uptown has unisex bathrooms. If you are looking for someone with bangin' hair and ripped fishnets, just buzz about Uptown in the summer. If you discover a hot little gutter-punk who piques your interest, be prepaired to show a Pizza Luce pay stub to prove you're not a poser.
If you already have a date, try cheap date nights at the Bryant Lake Bowl. You get bowling, dinner, and a bottle of wine for $25.
Non-Drinking Fun
Minneapolis has a ton of lakes, the best of which are Calhoun and Lake of the Isles. Hidden Beach on Cedar Lake is the best place to swim. The Nicollet mall has a great summer farmers market on Thursdays. Grab some fresh blackberries and bake your girl or boy a pie.
Art
The Weisman Art Center by Frank Gehry is one of the more famous buildings in the US. But it has nothing but shit for art. Go to the Minneapolis Institute of Art for something good. Go to the Walker for something modern. The Walker just added an extension that looks like a fin. Thursday nights get you free admission. It's hard to be disappointed with free. Plus they have this giant cherry on a spoon in the adjacent sculpture garden. It's famous. But so is the Mall of America. And I think they are both feeble.
Hustling for Cash
The University area has a few plasma centers. If you can pull your shit together for a few weeks, temp it at pro-staff. If you look like a deranged drop-out, pan-handle for cash on Nicollet Mall. You will get more money if you have a hungry pet.
Getting Medicated
East Lake Street is where to score crack. For specifics, see heading "I'm Earnest, and this is my Brother Earnest" below. You can also just drive around North Minneapolis near Jordan Park until you see a dude standing on the corner. He will either hook you up, or shoot you in the head.
Liquor Lyle's on weeknights and First Ave's VIP room on weekends are low hanging fruit for people trying to score. Hidden Beach on Lake of the Isles is a pretty easy place to buy weed. Bring a few extra cans of PBR. People get desperate for a summer time cool one. Trading is easy.
I'm Earnest, and this is my Brother Earnest
You can't really sympathize with a city until you have walked through its most destitute streets at 3 in the morning. To this end, I like to walk down Lake Street from Lyndale to the bridge on summer nights. At 3AM, between Blaisdell and Park, you will be propositioned for sex by at least 5 prostitutes, one amputee, and solicited for strawberries (crack for sex) every time you turn them down. Even the amputee.
Minneapolis is a safe city. Prostitutes and dealers are pretty harmless. In the rare event that you run into someone armed and desperate, shift your wallet to your coat pocket, put two tens into your left pocket and a five into your right. This way, when you get robbed by some dealer named Earnest, you can give him one of your tens without being shiv'd, while saving the other ten for a ride from the van that's waiting to rob you around the corner.
Tell the van driver, who will also be named Earnest, that you just got robbed, but that you saved a ten in your left pocket for a cab home. Cabs, of course, are too busy driving princesses back to their McMansions in Minnetonka to pick up some degenerate on Lake, so tell Earnest that you'll give him the sawbuck if he will drive you home.
Earnest will agree, but will most likely stop at the Popeye's at Lake and Chicago. You don't have to be a crack addict to enjoy fried chicken, so use your last five for some Cajun Cravers and a biscuit. On your way home, make sure to not let Earnest dig his hands into your Cravers, nor drop you off at your real house. As a compromise, it's probably okay to let him add you as a MySpace friend.
Weirdest Scene
The Gay 90s has a bear/cub room where dudes have anonymous sex. The only way to get to it is through the men's bathroom. If you hit it, get ready for some light petting with a guy named Monte. He'll be the one wearing a zipper mask. Sex World on Washington Avenue is a four story adult emporium. They have everything from Prince Albert to scat porn. Live dancers and DVD's are on the first floor. The fourth floor houses the "private" video screening rooms. I actually think Sex World is a great place to take a first date. I have not gotten a ton of good feedback on this.
If your version of weird does not involve sex, go to Phoenix games on Lake Street. Gamers ascend from their mother's basement every Tuesday night. I don't know about you, but a gaggle of full grown men hanging out and playing with toys is pretty weird to me. I went once. I brought a date and some liquor. Both the girl and the alcohol freaked the gamers right out.
Time of year to visit
If you have a choice, do not visit Minneapolis between December 1st and April 28th. We are nesting for the winter.
Getting There and Away
MSP International Airport. Take the light rail from the airport to downtown for $1.75. Our metro transit system is great. Click here to get a schedule. Transit shuts down at 1:15a.m, so bring cash for a cab if you are wasted and out late.
Lodging
The Minneapolis International Hostel is a converted Victorian mansion on 24th St. If you've either got cash or Starwood points, I recomend the Westin on 6th street. If you don't have cash, or just want to get in the middle of some immoral disorderly conduct, I suggest either the Aqua City Motel (612-861-6061), or the Metro Inn on Lyndale Ave. Both are around $30 a night, and probably rent by the hour.
About the Author
I first moved to the UofM's Pioneer Hall on the banks of the Mississippi river in 1992. I currently live in Uptown where I own a pretty book prarie school home in the CARAG neighborhood.
Websites
City Pages - Local music, art and theatre
Minneapolis Star Tribune
Thrifty Hipster - Annoying name, good info
Minneapolis Happy Hour
City of Minneapolis
Skyway Freeloader Guide
All Ages Guide
History of Uptown
Girl Friday - If you need a keeper