NYC East Village is Being Played Out Big Time
The East Village spans from the north side of Houston Street to the south side of 14th and runs from Broadway to the East River. The EV can be broken down into 6 regions - Cooper Union, St. Marks Church, Tompkins Square, the Bowery, Alphabet City and FDR drive. Each region could have its own Citizen Guide.
Overview - The East Village is being played out big time. Gentrification has its firm grip on the neighborhood and statistical data shows that one out of every three new residents has been humiliated on a reality TV show. Nowadays you'll find more hipsters scampering about in $100 t-shirts en route to a kickball game in Williamsburg than diseased street rats. At least six new Japanese stores open daily where you can score a deranged yet adorable bunny as a present for your niece that you later discover is a vibrator. Kick ass clubs like Coney Island High have been hijacked by da man and now serve up crappy Mexican food that McDonalds has branded Chipotle. If this isn't bad enough tainted heroin is killing off all the junkies that scare the f*cking upper eastsiders away.
Cynicism aside there is simply too much going on in the EV to ever make it boring. There is no way to hit all the restaurants and you could party all night every night until you develop cirrhosis of the liver. The reality is that many of the crappier joints get flooded with crappy people and as a result I don't have to wait in line at Café Mogador. This works out splendidly until one of these drunken twats bolts across St. Marks for a Crif Dog Chihuahua and collides into me on my bike.
Famous For - Allen Ginsberg, Joe Strummer, Andy Warhol, Blondie, Jack Kerouac, Iggy Pop, Fab 5 Freddy, Madonna, Bob Dylan, Jackson Pollack, John Coltrane, Lenny Bruce, Leon Trotsky, Robert Mapplethorp, Jello Biafra, Kieth Haring, The Velvet Underground, William Burroughs and Tom Forcade the Founder of High Times.
Nowadays Morgan Spurlock can be seen binging at Mickey D's on 1st Ave and 6th St. Jimmy Chamberlain scoring smack in Alphabet City. Carlos D walking his Chihuahuas through Tompkins Square Park. And Chloe Sevigny downing cocktails at the Ryan Health Center.
Getting There and Away - South Side: The B, D, F and V drop off at Houston and 1st Avenue on the south side.
West Side: The 6 or N, R, Q will drop you off at Astor Place - West Villagers consider this the Far East. You'll understand when you walk by the 80 or so Asian restaurants in between 2nd and 3rd Avenues on 8th and 9th Streets.
North Side: The L will land you on the north side. If you get off at 3rd Ave you've arrived in the crappiest part of the east village. That is unless you're into hangin' out with Bridge and Tunnel kids at amateur striptease contests at Webster Hall. Get off at 1st Ave and walk down Ave A, B or C.
Modes of Transportation while in Town - A taxi ride within the EV is going to cost around $8-$10 and you'll arrive about 5 minutes before you would have if you had walked.
Alternative forms of transport - Bike lanes run on 9th and 10th Streets and down 2nd Avenue. Note: Bike lanes are the most dangerous place for bikers because assholes think it's a license to double-park. You can take 6th Street over to the East River Park and bike the Southern Cape of Manhattan and back up the West Side. If you're looking to buy a bike try TrackStar. They'll set you up with a simple single track for around $650. For higher end, but equally rad bikes check out NycVelo just a couple of blocks away on 2nd Ave and 4th Street. They'll hook you up with an indestructible rental for $30/day. Recycle-a-bicycle on Ave. C and 6th St is the place to go if you need your stolen bike fixed. For $150 you can pick up a skateboard at Autumn and test it out on the rails at Tompkins Square. If you have a pair of roller skates, a boom box and a pair of spandex consider yourself royalty.
Activities - Steal someone's dog for the afternoon and visit Tompkins Square Park. Afterwards swing by Shady's Waggery and pick up some ruffi-laced dog treats for anyone of the number of fit byrds hanging out at the water dish. Play it gay and ask one of the girls to try on a piece of lingerie hanging next door at GirlyNYC. Tell her you're putting together a wedding shower for your bff and she's a spitting image. If she's stupid enough to have a dog in NYC she may go for it. You could also do the honorable thing and buy her love at Atomic Passion across the road. All on 9th St. btw. 1st and Ave. A. Another fun afternoon romp is called rooftop surfing. Find a fire escape and climb on top of the tallest building on the block. Continue leaping from building to building until you electrocute yourself on a live wire or get knifed by a homeless guy living in a chimney.
Concert Venues - Hilly Kristal and the powers in charge of CBGB's care more about selling SAVE CBGB t-shirts at Trash and Vaudeville than having a nightclub. I suggest they light the roof on fire, collect the insurance money and buy the rights to license Green Day merchandise. I've said my peace.
The venues in the east village are small for the most part. Places like the Continental and Lit have concerts, but after the lead singer smacks you in the face you'll start rethinking your hardcore threshold. Joe's Pub has some amazing shit. Joe's pub is officially claimed as an East Village - Cooper Union property. I've seen two shows at Scenic that made me want to blow my load. The newest venue, Mo Pitkins, on Avenue A and 2nd Street is a real treat for those of us with a local zip code. Check out ConcertJoe for comprehensive listings.
Bars/Boozing/Movies - If you enjoy stupid movies and like to drink at the places where they were made I suggest the following made for TV bars. Roll up along the bar at 7B and watch Crocodile Dundee drink and fight from the same chair where a punked out Paul Hogan look-alike might eventually kick your ass. Rent 99 cigarettes from Kim's and grab some peirogis from Odessa on Ave. A btw. 7th and 8th streets. While watching the flick imagine how great it would be to call Courtney Love a cunt in real life? In order to get a clearer understanding of the roach infestation problem on the North side of Tompkins Park I suggest making yourself a scotch guard bong and watching the film Joe's Apartment.
For those of you who hope to develop a drinking problem I suggest strolling along Avenue A, B and C from 12th Street to 3rd Street 5 days a week or so. The Sunburnt Cow, Zum Schneider, Boxcar, Baraza, Mamas, Mickey's Blue Room, Niagara and Musical Box are good options. At the point when no one will drink with you any longer I suggest that the destitute drunk visit The Cherry Tavern or Doc Holidays. If you're the sophisticated kind of lonely drunk I suggest Angel Share or The Big Bar. Nothing makes someone feel more alone than an intimate bar and no one to talk to. Within days you'll be well on your way to Hemmingway madness. If you get off on faux lipstick lesbians and professional scenesters I suggest digging into lastnightsparty.
Taking a Lover - I follow the mantra - Don't Shit Where You Eat. This is especially true when it comes to f*cking in the EV. I don't have much more to say except girls who dress slutty are usually head cases and fatties that drink whiskey and smoke cloves are usually up for a throw. Gay guys love Cocks, but it's recently closed its doors. Rumor has it the Glory Holes will be installed at The Hole a few blocks away.
Food - Most food tastes good to me. I usually enjoy dining out because I never got to when I was a child. It's all a very sad story, but let's just say everything culminated into a sort of eating disorder that causes me to be pretty happy as long as I'm fed. Because of this general complacency with food I decided to ask a few buddies of mine to lend their expertise. I asked 3 chefs this scruple. If you only had 10 restaurants in the EV to eat at for the rest of your life what would they be? Results from least to most expensive.
*Zaragoza - It's not even a restaurant, but if you break out the spanglish they'll serve you up a sweet taco. Go quick before the EV loses all its character. 13th Street and Ave. A.
*Otafuku - Octopus balls and mochi balls on the go. 236 East 9th Street.
*Paul's - Seriously mean burger, but scary vibe. Highly suggest getting your shit on the run. Between 7th and 8th Streets on 2nd Ave.
*Ninos - Consistently the best slice in the EV. St. Marks and Ave. A.
*Hummus Place - $5 hummus and the hot Israeli chicks will make you forget about the Jewish dork sitting next to you. St. Marks btw. Ave. A and 1st.
SOS-chefs is a gourmet grocery loaded with enough dried fruits, mixed nuts and mushrooms to assure a tight stool.
*Ebisu - Clean sushi bar with a delightful sunset dinner special before 7:30PM.
*The Elephant - French/Thai cuisine and a liberal late night smoking policy. 1st St. btw 1st and 2nd Avenues.
*O.g - Fusion fair in a low-key environment. 6th Street btw. Ave A and B. Check out Koin (ginger in Peruvian) next door for tapas. This street is poppin'.
*Icoppi - Exchange soft kisses with your trust fund girlfriend in the garden before she slaps your po' ass for conveniently forgetting your wallet.
Lodging - Staying in the EV is a pretty cracked out thing to do. It's expensive, seedy and if you're not careful you might end up hanging out with a bunch of Hare Krishnas. St. Marks Hotel rents rooms for $60 an hour and pregnant hookers are nearby if you're longing a $20 tug job. Websites like couchsurfing and globalfreeloaders have members in the area that will get you situated for less than a tug job.
Weirdest Scene - Watching squirrels and rats consummate their unnatural desires.
Getting Medicated - Rehab clinics are filled with educated users that like to do drugs.
Little known secret - Vagabonds living throughout parks in the EV have a strict social order that involves a king and a queen. Usually the king has the largest dog and the queen is the chick most likely to fuck that dog. Ferocious drunks. Beware.
Secret that everyone knows - Sochu is the new Sake.
Avoid - Anyone who looks you directly in the eyes.
Events - Fringe Festival, Howl Festival, Critical Mass.
Police State - Cops love to go incognito and score smack in the EV. Be wary of a bum who looks insane but isn't quite crazy enough to have facial lacerations or his penis hanging out of his pants. Lately uniformed police are showing a greater sign of strength in the East Village. Watching the cops dissuade the local pimp from practicing his livelihood is a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon while watching a football game at St. Mark's Ale House. You are more likely, however, to find them getting their eyebrows waxed while recruiting NYU chicks. The cops, not the pimps.
Suicide Mission - Try to score some Mexican mud in alphabet city.
Disclaimer - No bar, restaurant, hair salon or Turkish bath is going to deliver the same results every time - this is especially true in vibrant communities. Staffs along with their oxycontin dosages are constantly in flux and many venues have different promoters each night of the week. In short, I've placed active links to places and ideas I think you need to explore further. Some of the newer/sleazier places don't have links because they've yet to discover the web.
Inspiration - Members of AOL chose San Loco Taco as the best place in the city for take-out. I would agree with this statement as long as you add the phrase, if you haven't taken a shit for 2 weeks. This confirmed my itch that AOL and their members are the biggest tools on the planet. Even the hipster bible Vice attempted a top 50 listing that fell a few steps short by crowning Max Fish with the title best bar in NYC. Note to Canadians - the label best should only be used in conjunction with Milwaukee when referring to booze.
Links -
East Village Radio
Free events in NYC.
Purple Pam