St. Paul Molesting Vulcans
Overview - Saint Paul was founded in the 1820's by one-eyed bootlegger Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Pig's Eye distilled whiskey in a cave, sold it to soldiers, traded it to Indians, and eventually gambled away the entire take. During the 20's, Victorian homes were built, Ice Palaces melted, and the Great Gatsby rose to glory and fell from grace. In the 50's, the Mississippi flooded and the legislature turned back time. In 2000, Jesse Ventura reminded the world that Saint Paul was designed by a bunch of "drunken Irishmen."
What is the city know for - Saint Paul is home to F. Scott Fitzgerald, Garrison Keillor, a wicked Charles Shultz obsession, and the longest line of Victorian homes in America. The Saint Paul Cathedral on Summit Avenue is Grand. The Ordway theatre serves up fancy musicals for the rich and boring. The Wabasha Street Caves still swing on Thursday nights.
Events - The winter carnival is an annual event, and every ten years an obscenely large ice palace is built for the festivities. Skip it unless you are into ice sculptures carved to look like Leif Erickson.
The State Fair is the axis of evil. It's in Saint Paul, but the Billy Joel loving, meat on a stick eating, trailor tractor pulling, and beast of burden killing suburbanites who go to it aren't residents of the capital city. If you must, pop some pills, smoke a J, and hold my hand. It's otherwise intolerable.
200,000 people cram onto Grand Avenue the first Sunday in June. It's called Grand Ol' Day. I call it the day when I'm drunk by 9a.m., wear lime green lycra, and get arrested for public urination. Pinky swear with your BFF that you'll dock if neither of you take a lover before Outcast plays Hey Ya.
Secret that Everybody Knows: You can no longer smoke in St. Paul.
Secret that Nobody Knows: Smoking causes cancer and gives you bad breath.
Music Scene - Station 4 books local bands every weekend. The Turf Club brings in a few national acts each week. They have a blow out event once a month. Mark Mallman plays a 52-hour pop song to usher in the New Year. Music, sex and sushi is decadent. Christianson's Big V gives second ring local acts a chance to strut their stuff each weekend. Their cover charge usually sucks.
The Minnesota Museum of American Art hosts patio nights each weekend in the summer. The museum has great views of the Mississippi and books a good band every couple weeks.
Neighborhoods / Bars - University (Midtown/Frogtown) Christensen's Big V is a great place to see live music. The Turf Club is the best club in Minnesota. Its basement tenet the Clown Lounge has a weird velvet sad clown theme. Tip the guy behind the till $5 and ask to get a tour of the basement. Tip $10 for a happy ending.
Arnellia's is cheap, but you might get shot outside the bar. Traxx bar and grille is a train wreck. Go there if you are desperate, lonely, or just need to open mic some issues.
The Town House is the only gay bar of which I know in St. Paul. They have blow-jobs (drink) for $1. Real blow-jobs are free in the back room. Transvestites and lesbians form an awkward dance floor alliance every Thursday and Saturday night.
Cathedral Hill / Grand - Chang Ohara's was fun up until it got shut down for sexual harassment. Sweeny's has a great outdoor deck and decent food. The Spot bar is terrible, but you will spend less than $7 for a night of drinking. The Wild Onion and Billys should be avoided unless you are sharking. Snobs go to the Vintage on Selby for a glass of wine. The Muddy Pig has terrible food, but more than makes up for it with attractive patrons.
Downtown Downtown St. Paul is only really active during Xcel Center events. Head to Selby Avenue on Cathedral Hill otherwise. If you must be downtown, go to Fhima's for a martini after work. The Liffey has good Irish food and an occasional special. It is building an enormous deck where St. Paul's fittest byrds will land for the summer. On the downside, the Liffey is connected to a Holiday Inn.
St. Paul is a blue collar town. Blue collar workers like sports. And bars trying to lure in sports fans hire sluts. If watching sports and sluts is your bag, go to Alary's.
Highland Park / Mac Groveland Tiffanies has a $7 all-you-can drink special on Tuesday nights. Such a special guarentees 200 frugal Tommies in hoodies. Gobies has a similar deal on Thursday nights.
Lowertown Craig Finn says it's all going down in Lowertown. I'm pretty sure he was just desperate for a rhyme. Lowertown doesn't have harbor bars, but it does have Station 4. Station 4 books pretty interesting bands that probably could benefit from a few more rehersals in the garage. Since Station 4 is a garage, it all seems perfect.
Places to Avoid - I hate Irish bars so I avoid the 1000 or so in Saint Paul. But God is an American and Americans love the Irish. If you must, hit the Half Time Rec. At least you can play boche ball in the basement. Do not go to O'Garas. Repeat, do not go to O'Garas.
Taking a Lover - The Turf Club is great almost every single night for both guys and girls. Everyone is nice, hip and non-pretentious. It's increadibly easy to strike up a conversation with someone random. Sweeny's and The Muddy Pig are good for 25 to 35-year-olds. Same for Costellos. If you want to shake it with college kids, Tommies hit the Wild Onion and Billy's.
Har Mar Superstar - Har Mar mall is the best place to meet after an all-ages matine show. As ever, the cool kids hang out in front of the Dress Barn.
Non Drinking Fun - Get high and go to the Science Museum of Minnesota. They have an Omni theatre. If you can't have fun at an Omni show, I just don't want to know you.
Party Type Situations - 444 Beacon has housed obscene parties for the last 10 years. From Beaujolais Nouveau to Festivus for the Restuvus, 444 Beacon is naked crazy.
It's Drunk, Let's Eat - Tough luck, kiddoe, St. Paul closes at 10.
Food - The 128 Cafe on Cleveland is a basement bistro. The food is great and the atmosphere is different. Decent date place. Punch Neapolitan Pizza has wicked, oil soaked, Neopolitan-style pizza. Moscow on the Hill has the best Russian cuisine in Minnesota. Jolly good perogi's. Saji-Ya on Grand is usually ranked at the top for metro sushi restaurants. Fhima's downtown is my high end choice. Zander's on Selby has a great chef. If you are looking for a great meal at a good price try the pizza at Cossetta Italian Market & Pizzeria on W. 7th or go to Cecil's deli on Cleveland.
For burgers, the Nook on Saint Claire has the best. The Groveland tap on Saint Claire and Fairview runs a close second. Go to Porky's on University and Fairview on a Saturday night in the summer. You can drink your milk-shake and watch 50s cars and trucks tool by non-stop. Honk your horn if you see something you like.
Getting Medicated - Check out the Merriam Skate Park on Cleveland and I-94 for weed, meth, and 16 year old skater girls. Go to Frogtown for cocaine, smack, and pregnant crack-whores. Go to Maharaja's on W 7th for porn, bongs, and smelly hippies trying to look like a panda bear.
Weirdest Scene - There is this group of freaks called the Vulcans who linger around parades and festivals grabbing at people. They used to be sanctioned by the city, but have since been banned from every public outing. I am 80% sure one of them molested me when I was 10.
Every winter the city hides a gold medallion in the snow. Each week they give out new clues. To me, this is weirder than a glory hole. But if you are looking for a glory hole, park your car at the Shriner's Hospital on East River Parkway and head down to the river.
Getting There and Away - MSP International Airport. Our metro transit system is great. Click here to get a schedule. Transit shuts down at 1:15AM, so bring cash for a cab if you are out late. We have light rail, but it only goes to the Mall of America. Everyone is really happy about this.
About the Source - I love Saint Paul and lived in the Macalester Groveland neighborhood for 5 years. In 2007, I moved to Minneapolis.
Websites
St. Paul Happy Hour
City Pages - Local music, art, theatre
Saint Paul Pioneer Press